


Hhhhh idk how to name things :(

by chthonicReptilian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Can Town (Homestuck), Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meteorstuck, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, ill add tags as i write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27747913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chthonicReptilian/pseuds/chthonicReptilian
Summary: im very bad at summarizing stuff and this doesnt even have a solid plot yet really completely so,, this is most hurt/comfort slow burn friends to lovers type self indulgent mess, everyone is Struggling bc they've all been through a lot of shit and over the 3 year journey they come to help each other out, even if it starts off slow for some,, here's the beginning like a lil Preview(TM)"It has been exactly one week since the humans came to join you and your surviving friends on the meteor. One week since the scratch was executed. One week since five to seven of your friends were murdered (Kanaya came back to life and Sollux technically only half died, but still fucked off into the dream bubbles presumably forever, so. Give or take a few friends.).Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are not doing okay."edit: i havent updated in forever and probably wont regularly but i just added some stuff to the existing chapters and will keep writing at whatever weird irregular pace this ends up being i am so sorry i suck at consistent writing schedules cnkwjenksjdb
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 17
Kudos: 31





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> i've been wanting to write a davekat (and rosemary) meteorstuck fic for literal years and am just now getting around to it. again, i dont have much of a concrete plan for this and i dont have a great track record with Actually Finishing Things but i really want to be consistent with this !! im gonna try to plan ahead to update regularly !
> 
> also ! i will be updating the tags as i write just in case i end up not continuing i dont want some tags to not apply bc i never got around to the part where it becomes relevant, u know? anyway i hope u enjoyy <3 !!!
> 
> Edit: updating regularly is not gonna b a thing im so bad at that oop,,

It has been exactly one week since the humans came to join you and your surviving friends on the meteor. One week since the scratch was executed. One week since five to seven of your friends were murdered (Kanaya came back to life and Sollux technically only half died, but still fucked off into the dream bubbles presumably forever, so. Give or take a few friends.). 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are not doing okay. 

You’re still not sure you’re ready to admit that. Sure, it’s pretty safe to assume that all of you who’ve played this inherently punitive cursed fucking game have accumulated some amount of trauma, but you guess you mean you’re not willing to express in any way that the amount of “not okay” that you currently are could be hindering your ability to function and may be cause for concern.

You remain stubborn in this mindset even after immediately sulking off to some private block for a solid week with three days’ worth of food and no communication with anyone else. It’s not entirely on purpose, really. The days all blend together. You only know it’s been a week after checking the time on Trollian. Sleep is hard to come by, and even if it wasn’t, the dream bubbles just remind you of everything you’ve lost. Not much separates the days. You spend your time tearing things up into bits for something to do with your hands. You’ve completely destroyed a sweater and half a notebook, ripping at threads and tearing paper into bits that will be hell to clean up, but hygiene also hasn’t been a top priority. You disgust yourself. Other than destroying things, you think a lot. Sometimes you cry, sometimes you’re numb. You think a lot about why _you_ survived when your other friends didn’t get to. You really thought you were doing something important, as the self-proclaimed leader of the group. But when things went to shit, when it actually mattered, you were completely useless. 

You also sometimes think about correcting that. The mistake of you making it to this point. Disappearing. Sometimes it’s kind of tempting, but you lack the energy and the will to actually hurt yourself. Besides starving yourself apparently, but again, that’s unintentional. You just haven’t worked up the nerve to leave this block. Speaking of which.

You’re really fucking hungry actually and have spent so much time berating yourself inside your own think-pan that your headache is starting to get a headache. 

With a heavy sigh, you reluctantly decide to make the trip to the nutrition block to stock up on supplies and resolutely ignore the more dangerous thoughts and considerations that start to prick in the back of your mind when you think for too long.

You’re numb on your feet as they carry you down sterile metal hallways. The hum of the air conditioning whirs on in the background, doing nothing to help your anxiety. Your auricular sponge clots strain to listen past the monotonous tone, anticipating the indication of a stray honk, foot steps, the sounds of strife, but nothing comes. Nothing noticeable, anyway. 

The walk isn’t short by any means, but you find yourself in the nutrition block very suddenly. You guess you kinda blanked out the whole walk here. You blink stupidly ahead of you at the arrangement of cans and food rations that line the walls. In the midst of it all, back turned to you, is a red-pajama wearing asshole who doesn’t seem to notice your presence. You were really hoping to avoid any kind of interaction today and for the foreseeable future. This was just supposed to be yoink some food and abscond the hell out of there. 

Holding back a sigh, soas not to make any more noise than necessary, you march forward and start picking through the cans for something not atrocious. 

You get a few precious minutes of silence before, of fucking course, it is shattered spectacularly. “Hey, Vantas,” the god tier prick greets you casually. You fix him with a glare. It’s supposed to be a glare. In the reflection of his shades, you just kind of look exhausted.

“I’m in no mood to deal with your shit, Strider.” Your words are clipped. Short. Meant to end an argument before it starts. Very different from your usual high-volume rants that could spiral into infinity easily if given the chance. Strider frowns slightly.

“Dude, have you slept, like, at all? You look like shit.”

You barely have the energy in you to react. Normally, this pompous self-absorbed asshole insulting your appearance would’ve sent you into tirade after tirade about how idiotic his entire species is and how he should be one to talk, but. You just stare at him blankly for a second before rolling your eyes and turning back to the cans you were sorting.

“Uh. Okay, cool, ignore me, that’s chill,” he mutters, sounding kind of… hesitant? Now he’s the one acting out of character. Whatever.

You’ve swiped a couple cans and are settling down in a different part of the block to look through other alchemized food when the muttering starts. You mostly tune it out, but as your quest to gather food rations draws you closer to the douche-canoe himself, you start to make out what he’s saying despite how little you want to.

“─ Reason to be nervous, nah man, ridiculous, like that shit they say in harry potter against the bogarts or whatever when you face your fears and turn it into something funny except that’s irrelevant because there are no nerves to settle in the first place, like damn bro your brain and spinal chord don’t even know what a nervous system is, that word is so foreign to you because of your undeniable chill, instead they are part of the central _chill_ system which is actually kind of already a thing. Parasympathetic? That’s the bitch. What the fuck was I saying, goddamn it’s like I ─ “

You clear your throat aggressively. This time when you glare at him and meet your own eyes in the reflection of his stupid fucking glasses, the rage in your expression cannot be misinterpreted. 

He holds his hands up, conceding, apologizing and backing the fuck off nonverbally. Good. You turn back to where you’re hunched over a variety of food products. 

You stare down at them, suddenly tired again. Will you ever not be tired again? When was the last time you felt well-rested? The last time you had any room to relax? Your limbs feel heavy and dead. You feel like maybe you could sit here forever without moving, without having the will to expend any energy ever again. You could waste away here, give up. The silence is deafening. You begrudgingly admit to yourself that you regret getting Strider to shut up. It’s another small reminder that you can never do anything right and merely continue to make everything more difficult for yourself with everything you do. You are why you’re in this situation now. Every one of your fuck-ups is who you have to thank for every bad thing that’s happened to you to date. 

Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be gone? Better for everyone else, too. 

“Uhhh. Hey dude. Meteor to Karkat?” Strider questions. 

You don’t turn around, but grunt in response.

“You haven’t moved in twenty minutes. Thought you fell asleep or something, that would’ve been real uncomfortable, like you’d never want to forgive me if I let you fuck with your back like that passed the hell out hunched over some cans and food, all the way in snooze-ville with no hope of ever-”

“No, I’m awake,” you cut him off. You don’t move. Neither does he. It’s silent for a moment.

“Uh, Karkat?” His voice is smaller than usual. Hesitant again.

“What.” You spit it out more like a challenge than a question.

“Are you… good? Like, uhm. Are you doing okay?”

Everything seems to slow down and still as the question meets your hear ducts. _Am I okay? Definitely not._ It's a quick answer. A simple answer. But not an acceptable answer. You seem to stutter on your own breath for a minute, not sure how to respond. You take a deep breath and settle on, “Are any of us okay?”

There's another pause and goddamn you didn't miss tense in-person conversation. Every silence shakes your nerves violently with the potential for everything to go south very suddenly. You think maybe in the back of your head you're always expecting things to get worse at this point. The moments of silence bring the anticipation to the forefront of your mind. It sucks. 

“I mean, yeah, probably not,” comes his soft response. You dare to turn around, shifting your legs underneath yourself carefully and leaning back against the wall to actually face Strider again. You stare. 

“But I mean…” He drifts off, blank sunglasses seeming to consider you before continuing. “It's been a week since we blasted off like team rocket at the thrilling climax of a pokemon episode hurtling through the furthest ring towards the end of this stupid game or death whatever comes first I guess, and I don't think anyone's seen you in a while? Uh... Not that I’ve been the poster child for socializing and processing emotions in a healthy way since we got here, but, I dunno dude, I haven’t seen you at _all._ Like I think Kanaya was pretty worried, and —”

Fuck. You didn't consider anyone would even really notice your absence. Hiding away to avoid facing your problems makes you feel especially cowardly and lazy. But really, what else are you good for? You only ever disappoint. Your clawed fingers pick and tear at the unraveling threads at the end of your pants as your mind spirals into more patterns of self-hate. They’re all starting to end the same. Nothing matters, why are you still here, easier for everyone if you disappeared, don't deserve to have survived this clusterfuck or any of the sweeps you've lived through so far for that matter—

“Fuck man, are you even listening?” Strider breaks off from whatever ramble he was indulging to sound exasperated for a second. You don't move. “I'm kinda worried about you too, dude,” he admits, uncharacteristically soft again. It makes your blood boil. 

“You don’t even fucking _know_ me,” you spit, making sure to channel every ounce of bitter fury you have left into the following glare and feeling just a little bit sick and guilty for it because you know he means well. He’s trying to help and actually be nice and you’re just being your asshole self as per fucking usual and shitting on every good thing that comes your way without a second thought. The four seconds it takes your glare to feel like way too much effort suddenly has you sighing and staring past Strider with a tired expression. “Why are you even bothering to talk to me? I’m being a dick.”

To your dismay, Strider takes your question as an invitation to come closer and suddenly he’s sauntering towards you, then pressing his back against the cold metal frame of the meteor’s interior, and sliding down as he leans pressed against it until he’s sitting next to you, silent and poker-faced. He turns his head to you and smirks slightly. “I don’t know you _yet,_ ” he corrects, looking way too confident and relaxed. “Bet you’re a genuinely chill, really fun dude. Chill as in like, a decent percent, not the calmness kinda chill, ‘cause no offense, dude, but in that sense you are possibly the least chill ever. Your ability to spit off unique rapid-fire insults that are all still a perfect blend of ridiculous and devastating is a power few possess. Possibly even an ability I’ve come to respect?” You notice the longer he goes on the more his confidence is replaced with nerves. You wonder how often that happens, where whatever he began with fades into fidgets and rambles. “Like damn. You sure do say whatever the fuck you are thinking without holding back, and possibly without fully thinking all of it through first. Actually, some of the shit you end up saying is pretty gross, but also really entertaining. I’m going off the whole two conversations we have had thus far, by the way, and some memos I only really skimmed and didn’t really pay all that much attention to. Further bro bonding time is required for a more accurate appraisal of your potential as a dude to hang out with. But I stick with my first statement, which is that I think you’re cool so far and maybe we should give getting to know each other a try?”

You’re only caught off guard for a second until you manage to fall back on a response that’s suitably stubborn and self-sabotaging. “Again, why the fuck are you trying with me? You just said the only redeeming quality you see in me is my ability to be an asshole.” It’s a challenge. See how many times you can refuse support until this sorry asshole concludes you aren’t worth it.

“Correction: I don’t know enough about you to say much of anything really, which is a problem we should fix ASAP. I’ve got no material for you, dude, absolutely nothing to work with. How am I supposed to send you Karkat-themed raps at three in the morning when all I have to go off is, again, only two short conversations worth of Karkat-lore? I need the behind the scenes exclusive content, man,” he finishes earnestly, as if everything he just said isn’t more pointless bullshit he doesn’t really mean.

“Take your stupid fucking raps and shove them right back down your unrepentant ignorance shaft until you choke. I will never willingly listen to that garbage.”

Dave smiles at you. You realize you’ve never seen one on him before. “And there goes the creative insults. I should piss you off more often just so I can collect them all, get the whole set, y’know? Maybe that’s my real destiny, rackin’ up hate points and collecting insults.” 

Is everything a joke to him? You huff out an annoyed sigh and stand abruptly, which was a huge fucking mistake because damn not eating makes you pretty light headed and now you’re seeing dark spots and your brain feels like static. Regardless of whether or not you’re about to actually pass out though, you’re done with this shitty interlude of interaction and ready to head back to some random block on the meteor to eat through the rations you just collected and then probably willingly starve to death before returning to get anything more. 

You take the first two steps before

“WAIT!”

You’ve never heard him yell before or imagined he’d ever let himself sound so desperate. You freeze. Your head starts to clear up and the spots go away within a few minutes of standing there, to your great relief.

“Sorry, fuck, I’m not good at this. Sorry if I said anything shitty. I don’t want you to just go and disappear again. Please? Even if you don’t talk to me, just…” You hear him take a deep breath, back still turned to him. “I don’t want you to be alone, okay? That shit sucks. It sucks to be hurt or scared and have to hide that, and it sucks to feel like you can’t go to anyone when things get bad. Sucks to keep telling yourself that’s how it has to be.”

That… was very unexpected. You don’t turn around still, but you force the next words out with your eyes fixed pointedly at the floor. “Okay… I’ll talk to someone.” Then, with one thousand percent more sarcastic resentment in your voice, you continue, “Now can I _please_ leave to be tormented in some dark corner of the meteor by my own rotting think pan in peace? Didn’t realize I needed your express permission first, Strider.”

“Yeah. See ya.”

And just like that you’re alone again. At least you have some food. As soon as you get back to your block you dig in and immediately feel sick. Why does everything suck?


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mostly pesterlogs and set up for future chapters ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so ! so far i have 3.5 chapters written and ill continue to upload a chapter every three days to give myself time to write more in case i cant write for a while ill have some extra chapters to still post so theres not a huge wait between updates if anyone actually cares lmao idk but either way this is fun to write and i hope u enjoy !!
> 
> also idk how to color the usernames at the beginning of pesterlogs so i am not even going to try oop
> 
> also x2 i dont want to plan out times for each pesterlog so im cheating and making them all Void Time idk
> 
> also x3 i know some bits of dialogue are Pretty out of character but i thought it was funny ok im lame let me have fun kjwkjef,, i doubt im v good at having them be in character even when im trying my best tho oof idk !
> 
> edit again: regular updates are not a thing actually whoops

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT IDIOTIC LOAD OF HOOFBEAST SHIT GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION I MIGHT BE LONELY OR TRAUMATIZED OR WHATEVER CONVINCED YOU TO TALK TO ME.

CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW THE PUTRID FESTERING MASS OF CELLS YOU CALL A THINK PAN CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA IN ANY FUCKING UNIVERSE.

CG: TO TALK TO ME, I MEAN. THAT’S A PRETTY SHIT IDEA.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO DO THAT. 

CG: SERIOUSLY BAD JUDGEMENT ON YOUR PART, SERIOUSLY STRIDER WHAT THE FUCK.

CG: BUT THANK YOU. I GUESS. 

TG: np dude 

TG: did you eat today?

CG: WHAT.

TG: have you consumed any sustenance required to maintain life functions since you woke up this morning

TG: or night

TG: whatever the fuck were calling the general being awake time on this stupid rock where it doesn’t even make a difference

CG: NOT YET? WHY

TG: you should

TG: i was just checkin

TG: i usually forget to eat when im 

TG: more focused on other stuff i guess

CG: HAVE YOU EATEN?

TG: …

CG; FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

TG: ok listen

TG: i have a good reason

CG: WHICH IS?

TG: i dont wanna get up

CG: WOW. YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHAT THE FUCK.

TG: lmao now whos the hypocrite

CG: I ALSO HAVE A GOOD REASON.

TG: ok lets hear it

CG: IT’S A PRIVATE REASON THAT’S ACTUALLY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

TG: why would you even bring it up then

TG: your reason sounds fake i need proof that this isn’t just some flimsy excuse you couldn’t even bother to fully flesh out to defend yourself smh

TG: and after you roped me in and got me curious, c’mon man i was on the edge of my seat to hear your totally valid reason for not taking care of yourself

TG: my ass was basically teetering off the edge of the goddamn seat i was ready to greet the floor with my soon-to-be-broken nose

TG: from the impact of falling face first onto it because i was so on the edge of my seat for your dumb excuse

TG: jk there’s no reason you shouldn’t case closed

TG: thank god for my face jfc karkat you almost made me break my nose with anticipation

TG: you can’t just tease a guy with the promise of a reasonable explanation when there is no conceivable explanation to offer

TG: empty promises

TG: how will i ever trust again

CG: HOLY SHIT. DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?  
TG: nope

CG: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

TG: ok but will you eat

CG: WILL YOU?

TG: uuuuugggghhhhhhhhhhh karkat getting up is so much effort

TG: but if it gets you to eat im willing to make that sacrifice

CG: HOW NOBLE OF YOU.

TG: you’re right im the noblest most chivalrous motherfucker around

TG: do you wanna eat in the common area together

TG: karkat? you still there

CG: UH YEAH. OKAY. GIVE ME A SECOND THOUGH, I STILL NEED TO ANSWER SOME PEOPLE FROM BEFORE.

TG: sounds good

TG: they’ll be glad to hear from you

  
  


Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you just roped yourself into some social responsibility you definitely don't have the energy for. You curse yourself and your stupid bloodpusher and the stupid feeling that surfaces when Strider checks in on you. What the fuck was that? He’s the last person you would expect this from, and honestly you wouldn’t expect it from anyone. Is that a human thing? Being needlessly nice and supportive to people you barely know who have been nothing but an asshole to you? Egbert was nice to you right off the bat but that was because of your own stupid time fuckery and god you don’t want to think about that embarrassment of a first conversation right now. Anyway. You’re pretty sure it’s not a human thing and definitely also not a Strider thing, so what the actual hell is going on?

And why did it feel kind of nice?

Not in a pale sense! You're _not_ doing quadrants with humans, _especially_ that inconsiderate insensitive prick who would intentionally misunderstand shit to fuck with you or turn it all into a joke. You just know he would. Strider doesn't _do_ sincerity. It isn't “cool” enough or whatever the fuck. 

Anyway… It did. Feel kind of nice, you mean. For someone to worry and care and check in on you. You didn't realize you wanted that. You thought it'd make you feel belittled or inferior, but it just… felt nice for a moment, to be considered. 

You've been hiding your face in your turtleneck bickering with your thoughts for a bit before you work up the nerve to poke your head back out and face the world. Er… Your respiteblock. Which is empty except for you. Whatever. 

The nice feeling of being considered quickly shifts into cold stinging guilt in your gut. You haven't answered anyone in a week and completely disappeared after most of your friends were killed. You probably worried a lot more than just Strider and you suddenly feel like the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. 

You open trollian again and hold your breath as you open several missed chats from Kanaya. Each day since your Disappearance™, there is a brief log where she asks how you're doing, gets no response, and leaves, save for the past few days. There are two extra pesterlogs as well — one from four days ago and one from three days ago. She hasn't tried to contact you since the one from three days ago. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Karkat

GA: I Understand If You Want Space Right Now 

GA: But It Has Been Three Days Since Anyone Has Heard From You

GA: I’m Getting Worried

GA: Please If You See This Just Send Anything In Response To Let Me Know You're Safe? We Don't Have To Talk About Anything You Don't Want To, Or Even Talk At All If You’d Prefer To Be Alone For Now 

GA: But Also If You Do Want To Talk I Am Always Available And Here For You. Don't Hesitate To Contact Me

GA: But Anyway

GA: Just Let Me Know You're Alive Please

GA: …

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: I’m Going To Start Looking For You 

GA: I’m Sorry If You Don’t Want To Be Disturbed But I Need To Make Sure You’re Okay 

GA: I Hope To See You Soon

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Well, shit. You're possibly the worst friend in all of existence. It is you. 

Rose also tried to contact you once, asking if you were around, likely prompted by Kanaya. Terezi sent a few simple H3LLOs over the days you've been gone. Vriska asked what your “deal” was then signed off with a few half hearted insults. Of course there's nothing from Gamzee, and Dave spoke to you through trollian for the first time today (since arriving on the meteor). 

You take a deep breath, and then charge straight in to what will definitely be a very difficult conversation to face. God, you hate yourself. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: KANAYA I’M SO FUCKING SORRY.

CG: I’M ALIVE AND FINE.

CG: I WAS JUST BEING AN OVERDRAMATIC WHINY PIECE OF SHIT WIGGLER.

CG: I DIDN’T MEAN TO WORRY YOU .

CG: I DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO CHECK TROLLIAN GOD I’M SO STUPID WHAT THE FUCK.

GA: Karkat

GA: It’s Okay

CG: IT’S NOT OKAY. 

GA: Yes It Is I’m Just Glad You're Here Now

GA: Don't Beat Yourself Up About It Please

CG: I WAS A COMPLETELY INCONSIDERATE PIECE OF SHIT.

CG: I JUST HAVE THE BEST FUCKING TIMING, I FUCKING *HAD* TO DISAPPEAR AFTER THE THRILLING FAST-PACE ADVENTURE SAGA OF ALL OUR FRIENDS GETTING MURDERED

CG: WHILE I WAS ESPECIALLY USELESS DURING THE WHOLE CLUSTERFUCK

CG: SO THE OBVIOUS CONCLUSION TO DRAW IS THAT I GOT GOT

CG: EITHER KILLED BY AN EX MOIRAIL, FALLEN OFF THE SIDE OF THIS ROCK INTO THE VAST EXPANSE OF SPACE, OR LIKE I GOT MYSELF SKEWERED ON A RANDOM METAL SHARP THING. I DON’T KNOW, SOME COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID AND ARBITRARY WAY TO DIE THAT SOLIDIFIES THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT AN INCOMPITENT SHIT-STAIN WHO ONLY MADE IT THIS FAR BY PURE DUMB LUCK OR PARADOX SPACE’S SADISTIC HABIT OF MAKING EVERYTHING FUCKING HORRIBLE CONSTANTLY. 

GA: Karkat 

GA: If You Say One More Mean Thing About Yourself I Will Completely Rearrange All The Novels In The Common Room With No Discernable Order

GA: It Will Be Impossible To Navigate And I Know How Long You Spent Organizing Them

CG: FUCK SORRY

CG: I DO WANT TO APOLOGIZE THOUGH. THAT WASN'T OKAY FOR ME TO DO. 

GA: Again

GA: I Am Just Glad You're Safe Now

GA: You Don’t Have To Talk About Anything You Don’t Want To

GA: But I Would Like To Remind You That I’m Here For You

GA: You Can Talk To Any Of Us. We’ve All Been Through A Lot Recently

GA: I’ve Found That Going To Others For Support Can Lessen The Burden Of It All Quite A Lot

GA: Even If It Doesn’t Fix Things Completely

CG: YEAH. THAT MAKES SENSE.

CG: THANK YOU.

GA: Of Course

CG: UH. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? BESIDES WORRIED ABOUT ME. AND SORRY AGAIN.

GA: You Really Don’t Have To Keep Apologizing

GA: I’ve Been Alright Though

GA: Rose Has Been Very 

GA: Pleasant To Be Around

CG: OH GOD YEAH I FIGURED YOU TWO WOULD BE ALL OVER EACH OTHER THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GOT.

CG: I’M GLAD SHE’S MAKING YOU HAPPY.

CG: (:B YOU DESERVE IT.

GA: Thank You

CG: WE SHOULD CATCH UP SOON. I’M GOING TO EAT SOMETHING BECAUSE I GUESS THAT’S A THING THAT’S IMPORTANT.

GA: Yes It Very Much Is And I’m Glad You’re Eating

CG: SOUNDS FAKE BUT OK.

GA: It’s Not Fake, A Source Of Food Is A Requirement For All Living Creatures

CG: THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.

CG: ANYWAY.

CG: THANK YOU KANAYA. FOR EVERYTHING.

CG: I’LL SEE YOU AROUND.

GA: Yes I Look Forward To Seeing You

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at ??:??

You send a quick “I’M ALIVE” to Terezi and don’t even bother answering Rose. Kanaya probably already filled her in. And you never intended to answer Vriska.

Well. Guess the only thing to do now is message Strider and go… outside your block to interact with the rest of the meteor. Ew.

You’re already exhausted.


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave's pov, sighting the rare karkat cryptid after a week of 0 contact with the outside world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i lied im posting two chapters today bc the last one was p short and i was excited to post daves pov sooo here goes !

Your name is Dave Strider and getting used to this meteor has been… an adjustment. It’s not like you did a whole bunch back on Earth, but you did have _some_ contact with the outside world and the general atmosphere around your apartment was starkly different. It’s not only weird getting used to it now mentally, but your physical reactions to some things have become kind of involuntary? You’ve been on this rock for about a week and various suspicious meteor noises have made you draw a sword from your strife specibus on no less than twelve separate occasions. Not that you’re keeping track or that that’s particularly significant. It’s probably normal to have to get used to stuff like this. You pointedly ignore how long it takes you to get your breathing under control after those incidents. Sometimes it takes a while to even remember where you are and realize that there’s no imminent danger. Again, probably par for the course… Right?

Anyway, it’s been about a week and you’re in the nutrition block gathering supplies for Can Town, a project spearheaded by your resident carapacian mayor that has quickly become your favorite pastime. Thinking about that little guy excitedly designing buildings and roads brings a small smile to your face before you can think any better of it. Man, the mayor is awesome.

After you and Rose first arrived, you’ve steadily been getting to know all your fellow meteor inhabitants for the next three years. All except for Karkat, that is. He’s gone mysteriously MIA. Your only interactions with the guy so far have been completely unpleasant, but you hope he’s okay. When all of you first met up he seemed pretty badly shaken, and you don’t blame him. You have no idea what the hell went down before you got here, but there were several freshly killed corpses just kinda lying there until the murder clown snuck off with them. Trolls are fucking weird.

But, yeah. Rose obviously you’ve known for forever. You had only spoken to Kanaya that one time before meeting in person, but she seems generally pretty cool. She and Rose instantly became joined at the hip, which, from your one conversation with her, yeah that checks out. She’s also been incredibly worried about Karkat. You guess they were pretty close, and also Kanaya generally gives you mom friend vibes. She scolded you once for drinking a “hot liquid caffeine beverage” too late in the day/night/whatever the fuck before you all were gonna head to bed. Overall, she’s been pretty preoccupied flirting with your sister and worrying about Karkat. She asked all of you to let her know if you see him and, if it wasn’t too much trouble, to try pestering him since he hasn’t been answering anyone there either and hasn’t even been online since the day your journey began. You would do that, but… Again, you don’t really know the guy and he _probably_ already hates you from the two times you’ve interacted. 

Anyway again, moving on. Terezi in person has been pretty chill. It’s weird getting used to any kind of positive social interaction with friends face to face like this, but for the most part, it’s a pretty nice change from being stuck behind a computer screen, if a little bit nerve-wracking in its own way. You like to think you’ve gotten pretty good at keeping a neutral expression over the years, though, so you’d never let that show. Terezi kind of creeps you out sometimes, but overall seeing her has been good so far, so long as spidertroll isn’t there too, which, actually, it’s been extremely difficult to catch either of them without the other so far, kinda like Rose and Kanaya. And Vriska herself…? Yeah, she kinda straight up scares you. You don’t really want to get on her bad side, or interact with her all that much if you can help it. Kinda weird to think you’re just chilling on this space rock now with several aliens who murdered or attempted to murder their close friends fairly recently, and it definitely doesn’t help you relax or let your guard down, but that’s something you’re used to and can handle. Your ears are always primed to pick out subtle noises to alert you to sudden attacks. You can’t let your guard down.

And if you almost shit yourself when you hear the transportalizer come to life behind you while you’re deep in thought right now, no one has to know. You hear slow, quiet footsteps. Glancing to the right as this person approaches the wall of cans, you identify them as oh shit is that Karkat? He looks… pretty rough. You decaptchalogue your phone to shoot out a quick message to Kanaya before you forget.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at ??:??

TG: yo kanaya

TG: i’m in the nutrition block and karkat just walked in jsyk 

TG: he seems pretty alive

TG: well like physically

TG: dude looks exhausted

GA: This Is A Big Relief

GA: Perhaps It Was Silly To Worry So Much 

GA: Thank You For Letting Me Know

TG: yeah np

TG: but nah i don’t think that’s silly

TG: i have no idea what went down before but

TG: idk id probably want to keep an eye on everyone after something like that too

TG: and it doesnt seem like its his style to go suddenly quiet 

GA: You’re Right

GA: Which Of Course Only Made The Feeling That Something Was Terribly Wrong Much Worse

TG: yeah

GA: Can You Try Talking To Him

GA: If It’s Not Too Much Trouble

GA: And Let Me Know How He’s Doing?

TG: uhhhh

TG: yeah sure brb

“Hey, Vantas.” Starting out with a simple greeting. Hell yeah, you are so good at being casual and disarming.

He turns to face you and, yeah, he looks exhausted. “I’m in no mood to deal with your shit, Strider.” That’s disconcerting. He barely even insulted you. Seems like he wants to be left alone, but…

You swallow nervously. Memories of late nights on your own, clinging to your bedsheets ‘til your knuckles turned white. Glancing at your phone. No notifications. Open Pesterchum. Open a chat with John, but don’t say anything. What is there to say? There’s nothing wrong. You can handle this. You have to handle this. 

You wish someone had checked in on you sometimes. You’re not even sure what you would’ve said. You’re not sure what you’d say now. 

Maybe you should say something else? But you don’t want to put him on the spot.

“Dude, have you slept, like, at all? You look like shit.” Trying to start somewhere small, but also you ended up insulting him. It was in a kind of caring way though so you figure it balances out.

Karkat doesn’t answer. Just stares vacantly before turning back to the cans. Ouch.

“Uh. Okay, cool, ignore me, that’s chill,” you mutter to yourself, only slightly offended. Dude probably hasn’t talked to anyone all week and looks like he’s about to collapse from exhaustion at any second. You want to try with something else but suddenly you can’t find any words. Everything just sounds stupid in your own head, and the last thing you want to do is annoy Karkat away so he isolates himself for another week and then no one can do him any good. And it’s not like you have any other reason to be nervous, nah man, ridiculous, like that shit they say in harry potter against the bogarts or whatever when you face your fears and turn it into something funny except that’s irrelevant because there are no nerves to settle in the first place, like damn bro your brain and spinal chord don’t even know what a nervous system is, that word is so foreign to you because of your undeniable chill, instead they are part of the central _chill_ system which is actually kind of already a thing. Parasympathetic? That’s the bitch. What the fuck was I saying, goddamn it’s like I ─ 

Karkat clears his throat very intentionally. You look up and he’s glaring at you. Whoops, you were mumbling to yourself again. So much for not annoying him. He goes back to doing his thing, you go back to doing yours. Which is trying to get cans in as many varying sizes as possible so you can figure out what you guys are working with. You get into it again pretty quickly, but after about five minutes, you notice Karkat hasn’t moved at all. You glance back over at him and he is in the exact same position, back to you, leaning over alchemized food, looking like he’s just staring at the floor. Is he asleep? You should probably just let him do his thing, whatever.

Fifteen more minutes of Karkat just sitting there later, you decide to speak up.

“Uhhh. Hey dude. Meteor to Karkat?” Smooth as fuck.

He doesn’t answer directly or even turn to look at you, just grunting in acknowledgement instead. 

“You haven’t moved in twenty minutes. Thought you fell asleep or something, that would’ve been real uncomfortable, like you’d never want to forgive me if I let you fuck with your back like that passed the hell out hunched over some cans and food, all the way in snooze-ville with no hope of ever-”

“No, I’m awake,” he cuts you off. Probably for the best.

You pause for a beat. It’s quiet. “Uh, Karkat?” 

“What.” Gruff, full of bitterness and anger, no indication of any genuine interest in what you’re going to say, just a formality to get things over with and get you off his back. That’s fine, as long as he doesn’t actually get so fed up that he leaves again.

“Are you… good? Like, uhm. Are you doing okay?” A hard question to ask, and an even harder question to answer, probably, but you’ve skirted around it long enough. 

He doesn’t answer immediately, considering it for a second. Then he takes a deep breath. “Are any of us okay?”

Oh shit. You didn’t really expect any kind of real response, just for him to brush you off or insult you again. You also take a minute to think before answering. “I mean, yeah, probably not,” you settle on. 

At this, Karkat actually turns around to face you, his back pressed against the wall, tucking his legs underneath him and staring at you. 

“But also…” you continue. He looks so small like that, folded in on himself like he wants to disappear. Something in your chest clenches and you pointedly ignore it to actually say what you were going to say. “It's been a week since we blasted off like team rocket at the thrilling climax of a pokemon episode hurtling through the furthest ring towards the end of this stupid game or death whatever comes first I guess, and I don't think anyone's seen you in a while? Uh... Not that I’ve been the poster child for socializing and processing emotions in a healthy way since we got here, but, I dunno dude, I haven’t seen you at _all._ Like I think Kanaya was pretty worried, and I don’t want to make you feel bad about it or anything, like that is the actual last thing I want to happen from this, but I mean all of us have been kinda worried. After the third day of zero Karkat sightings, we actually kinda started looking for you? Mostly Kanaya, but I think Rose and Terezi were scouring the meteor for you too a couple times and I know they’ve been blowin’ up your pesterchum - or I guess trollian account since you’ve been gone. I mean I don’t really blame you though, sometimes space is good or people are exhausting and everything just kinda…”

You drift off and he’s still staring ahead, looking through you, probably stuck in his own head. 

“Fuck man, are you even listening?” He doesn’t move. You swallow nervously, careful not to let anything show on your face. “I'm kinda worried about you too, dude,” you confess.

Wrong thing to say apparently. He looks pretty fucking furious all of a sudden. “You don’t even fucking _know_ me.” Karkat sends the most scathing glare yet your way, but after about four seconds, it dissipates into something way less angry and way more... tired. “Why are you even bothering to talk to me? I’m being a dick.”

Yeah, okay. Seems like whatever’s going on inside his head, Karkat is hellbent on tearing himself down and you won’t let that shit slide. You stroll on over to the other side of the room and slide your back against the wall until you’re settled down next to him. You turn to him, and after a minute of debate, smirk. “I don’t know you _yet,_ ” you start. “Bet you’re a genuinely chill, really fun dude. Chill as in like, a decent person, not the calmness kinda chill, ‘cause no offense, dude, but in that sense you are possibly the least chill ever. Like, your ability to spit off unique rapid-fire insults that are all still a perfect blend of ridiculous and devastating is a power few possess. Possibly even an ability I’ve come to respect?” Okay, shit, now that you’re actually talking, your points are quickly getting away from you and you’re actually really nervous. You don’t know why you care so much but you _really_ don’t want to fuck this up. “Like damn. You sure do say the shit you are thinking without holding back, and possibly without fully thinking all of it through first. Actually, some of the shit you end up saying is pretty gross, but also really entertaining. I’m going off the whole two conversations we have had thus far, by the way, and some memos I only really skimmed and didn’t really pay all that much attention to. Further bro bonding time is required for a more accurate appraisal of your potential as a dude to hang out with. But I stick with my first statement, which is that I think you’re cool so far and maybe we should give getting to know each other a try?” Cool, you said that. You hope that’s not too much.

Karkat seems surprised for maybe a split second, but the tired rage quickly returns to replace it. “Again, why the fuck are you trying with me? You just said the only redeeming quality you see in me is my ability to be an asshole.”

“Correction: I don’t know enough about you to say much of anything really, which is a problem we should fix ASAP. I’ve got no material for you, dude, absolutely nothing to work with. How am I supposed to send you Karkat-themed raps at three in the morning when all I have to go off is, again, only two short conversations worth of Karkat-lore? I need the behind the scenes exclusive content, man.” Again, you’re aiming for casual and not-too-concerned even though for some bizarre reason you are pretty concerned. Maybe downplaying the concern and doubling down on the banter makes you seem kinda dickish though. You hope not.

“Take your stupid fucking raps and shove them right back down your unrepentant ignorance shaft until you choke. I will never willingly listen to that garbage.”

You let yourself smile at that. Seems more like him. “And there goes the creative insults. I should piss you off more often just so I can collect them all, get the whole set, y’know? Maybe that’s my real destiny, rackin’ up hate points and collecting insults.” 

Ooooh wait shit fuck, there it is, you finally did actually annoy him to the point of leaving, because he huffs in frustration and stands, takes two steps to the transportalizer and you can’t just let him leave now and run the risk of never seeing him again. That thought scares you more than it probably should for a virtual stranger.

“WAIT!” You don’t mean to sound that panicked, but, you kind of are. Karkat freezes. “Sorry, fuck, I’m not good at this. Sorry if I said anything shitty. I don’t want you to just go and disappear again. Please? Even if you don’t talk to me, just…” You take a deep breath, continuing to address Karkat’s back. You’re kinda grateful he hasn’t turned around. This is hard to say, but made a little bit easier by not having to see his face or be seen yourself as you say something maybe a little more vulnerable than you’d normally allow yourself. This is important. “I don’t want you to be alone, okay? That shit sucks. It sucks to be hurt or scared and have to hide that, and it sucks to feel like you can’t go to anyone when things get bad. Sucks to keep telling yourself that’s how it has to be.”

He’s staring at the floor again, standing stiffly with his hands balled into fists at his sides. He clenches and unclenches them nervously. “Okay… I’ll talk to someone.” Oh thank fuck. “Now can I _please_ leave to be tormented in some dark corner of the meteor by my own rotting think pan in peace? Didn’t realize I needed your express permission first, Strider.”

“Yeah. See ya.”

He leaves, and you’re left with a pile of dismantled cans you were picking through. The silence is almost deafening. You’re kinda relieved, but still feel something like worry welling up in your chest, and who the fuck said that was okay? 

turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum!

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is now an idle chum!

TG: shit sorry

TG: guess that took a while longer than i thought

TG: but uhh he doesn’t seem great?

TG: he said he’d talk to someone about stuff though

GA: Thank You Dave

GA: I Really Appreciate It

TG: yeah ofc

GA: You Know The Offer To Talk About Things That Are Bothering You Extends To You As Well, Right?

GA: You Don’t Have To Go Through Anything Alone. We Care About You And We’re Here For You.

GA: Things Have Been Difficult For All Of Us To Say The Least

GA: Getting Things Off Your Chest Does Seem To Help Though, In My Experience

You’re suddenly very glad you’re alone in the room. It’s like some barrier is torn down inside of you and emotions start pouring out, everything you never let yourself feel. 

_You don’t have to go through anything alone. We care about you and we’re here for you._

You read those words over several times. You don’t even notice you’re about to cry until actual tears are streaming down your face and it’s difficult to breathe. You really wish you weren’t in a public space but no one else is here and you’re so fucking tired of pushing everything down. You let yourself cry for a bit, taking off your shades so they dont stab into your face as you tuck it down against your knees, clinging to your legs and holding them against your chest. Your pants are wet with tears and snot as you gasp against the fabric and try not to make any noise.

You let yourself feel the sharp stabs of _something_ at the realization that no one’s ever said something like that to you before, and maybe you really needed it. Pain? Loneliness? Bitterness? Anger? Maybe a bit of all of it. 

But… There’s never been any reason for anyone to worry. Things were always fine with you. Sure, some nights were pretty rough, but everyone has to deal with shit like that, right? It was never anything that really bothered you.

Or maybe it was never anything that was allowed to bother you, because that would make you weak. Or ungrateful, honestly. What was there to complain about even? 

It’s… fine, not anything you weren’t used to.

…

Maybe it’s not completely fine. And maybe you have more issues than you let yourself realize. But that’s a lot to get into all at once, so you lift your head, let your knees fall til your legs are outstretched on the floor. Wipe your eyes, put your shades back on. Glance in your phone camera to make sure you don’t look like you were just sobbing for ten minutes only to suddenly stop and feel… kinda empty and tired now. Damn.

turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum!

GA: Dave?

GA: …

GA: I Have To Go Now

GA: But The Offer Always Stands

GA: You Can Talk To Me Anytime

GA: Please Take Care.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

TG: oh fuck

TG: sorry i just kinda spaced the hell out there for a bit

TG: ty tho

TG: i appreciate it

TG: you probably have better friends to talk to but you too

TG: like its cool if you ever wanna talk about somethin idk that id actually be helpful at all but ? ill try

TG: see ya

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at ??:??


	4. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave and karkat make each other eat bc self care is important !! they also both reflect on how their view of the other has changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,, you know how i said i was gonna write chapters early and post them regularly? yeah that,, has not been happening bc i predictably went a couple days without writing and fell behind vbekjrnr but hopefully it wont get Too bad ? i will try to stay on top of this aaah,, i also did a doodle for this chapter ! since it is kinda late ^^;
> 
> edit: lmao a whole month later ,

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

CG: OKAY.

CG: I DID THAT AND IT IS DONE.

TG: sweet

CG: SO. I’LL SEE YOU IN THE COMMON RUMPUSBLOCK? 

TG: lmao is it actually called that or are you fucking with me

CG: NO. THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT IT’S CALLED YOU CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE FUCK.

TG: wild

TG: but yeah see you there

TG: where doing this man

CG: OH GOD NO.

TG: where making this hapen 

CG: I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME READ THAT AND REMINDING ME THAT SHITTY EYESTRAIN HELLSCAPE OF A COMIC EXISTS.

TG: dont come for sbahj like that man

TG: you know youre secretly a fan

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are suddenly incredibly nervous. Way more nervous than you should be. You haven’t really talked to anyone or been outside your own head in a while.

Whatever. Time to rip the adhesive wound dressing off and get this the fuck over with. You make your way to the common room rather uneventfully, only nearly having a heart attack once when you thought a distant noise could have maybe been a honk. Your pace nearly doubled after that.

When you actually enter the common block through the transportalizer, no one else is there yet. You breathe a sigh of relief. You rifle through your sylladex for anything edible and take a seat at the table on one end of the block. You end up settling on boiled grub broth and noodles. You absently stir a spoon through the broth and kind of space out. You totally don’t jump a bit when Dave comes through the transportalizer. He smirks at you. Bastard.

“Sup, Karkles.” He plops down on the chair right next to you.

“You’re banned from using that nickname ever again. And from coming up with any other idiotic bullshit ‘nicknames’ of that caliber for that matter. It’s fucking insulting.” You find yourself falling into your usual brand of agitation. It’s familiar, kind of comforting. There’s no venom in it, or even any real anger, just a twinge of annoyance and maybe a bit of relief at the easy banter.

“Nah, you know you love the nicknames, Kit-kat. They’re a fucking _blessing_ , not an insult.” He pulls a container from his sylladex and opens it, taking out a sandwich. Then he pauses and looks at you. “Wait. You said ‘of that caliber’ which suggests you’d be okay with nicknames if they were different… Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. Hmmmm,” he pretends to think in a way that has to be exaggerated, shrugs, and takes a bite of his sandwich. 

“No, nevermind, I retract that phrase. No nicknames at all, use my goddamn actual name.” You take your first spoonful of your food and quickly notice you’re a lot hungrier than you realized. Food was a good idea.

“I’m incapable of saying your name now, sorry dude. It’s been erased from my brain, you will now have to deal with exclusively fun variations.” He takes another bite, then speaks again around a mouthful of food. Gross. “I think Kit-kat is my favorite so far.”

You roll your eyes and swallow another spoonful. “What the fuck does that mean? It’s not even anything, a nonsense bullshit word to fit your nonsense bullshit nonexistent human brain cells.”

He snorts and it doesn’t completely piss you off. “What, do trolls not have brain cells then?”

“Of fucking _course_ we do, asshole. God, is your think pan really rusted all the way through?” You pointedly go back to focusing on your grub broth.

“Wait, so you have the word brain, but also ‘think pan?’ Or you only say think pan, and you were mocking me by calling it a ‘human brain…’” he wonders out loud. “Eh, whatever. I’m sure we’ll pick up each other’s alien lingo in no time. It’s about to be an interspecies multicultural learning festival up in here. For example, Kit-kat, a Kit-kat is an Earth delicacy. They’re these chocolate candy bars that usually come with like two or four bars connected by chocolate and you snap them apart to eat each one on its own, or if you want to be really fucking cursed you can bite into the whole thing like a maniac. But anyway. Each stick part of it is pretty much just chocolate covered wafers. They’re fucking delicious, I gotta find a way to alchemize some so you can try it, dude. It’s your namesake.”

You go from stunned kind-of-curious silence, listening to this douche ramble about candy from his home planet, to an actual growl. It’s small, quiet, plausibly deniable, but you know it was there and that’s kind of embarrassing. “I’m _not_ named after your shitty human candy, _Dave_. See that? I used your name and not some twisted idiotic play on words that makes you want to slam your head against the nearest blunt object.”

Dave gasps in mock offense. “Don’t make fun of my nicknames, Karkat, I work hard on them. I, for one, would be honored to have such a title bestowed upon me.”

He used your actual name. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. You roll your eyes for the second time during this conversation, and when you bring the spoon back up to your mouth you find yourself smiling slightly. Fuck. You quickly adjust your expression to something more neutrally-annoyed again, silently hoping Strider didn’t catch that. You’re guessing yes, he did, because he returns it with a slight smile of his own. Not like his usual smug smirks, but something softer and more genuine. You decide you like that on him. You also decide not to dwell on that.

You continue eating in awkward silence. Or maybe it’s a comfortable silence. It’s awkward to you at least because you feel like you should be saying something instead of just eating quietly. Thankfully, it’s soon broken by Strider himself.

“So what kinda music do you like?”

“Excuse me?”

He quirks a brow at you. “What music do you listen to? It’s a pretty straight-forward question.”

You think for a minute and are actually kinda stumped. You don’t know how to describe what genres you like and he wouldn’t be familiar with any artists from your planet. “I don’t know. You wouldn’t recognize any examples I could give, so I’m not really sure what to say,” you admit.

Strider hums thoughtfully and goes back to his sandwich. Weird. 

It seems he wasn’t done with that line of questioning, because after he finishes that bite (thankfully not talking with his mouth full again), he asks, “Could you show me?”

“What?”

“Like, let me listen to some of your favorite songs. Do you have any saved?”

You pause. Like a deer stuck in headlights. To be honest, you’re a little hesitant to share something like that. It seems personal. But also what the hell. You take out your husktop and a pair of earphones because you don’t want to play that shit out loud in the common room, and you hand him an earbud. He puts it in while you do the same and scroll around looking for something adequate. 

The first song you pick is kind of soft and somber sounding. Probably not what someone would expect from you. You glance at Strider in between spoonfuls of broth to gauge his reaction. He doesn’t give much away but he seems to be listening pretty intently, tapping a foot along with the music. He catches you glancing at him and gives you another one of those slight soft smiles. You turn back to your food and focus on the purple liquid instead. 

The next song plays on its own. It’s kind of pop-sounding, and you might be a little embarrassed for liking it, but it’s a good song. It’s catchy. You brave another glance at Strider and see him similarly focused like before, still tapping his foot and now a couple fingers to the beat of the song.

A few more songs of varying genres play while the two of you finish eating. It’s pretty nice actually. You allow yourself to relax, listening to your music with Dave and eating until you’re both done and the current song ends. You close your husktop silently.

“I liked them,” Strider says after a beat. “You have some nice songs.”

“Uh, thanks? Why did you ask about what music I like?”

Strider shrugs. “Makin’ conversation. And I like music.”

Huh. Maybe that should’ve been obvious, but you still don’t know much about Strider. You guess the disc on his old shirt was a hint and… didn’t he have like a ton of mixing equipment in his hive? You’re not sure, you didn’t watch him much before the game. You file away that knowledge for later. He likes music.

“What kind of music do you like?” you retaliate.

“Pretty much everything,” he says. “I mostly write raps though.”

That part you did know. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah.”

You’re both quiet. You turn back to your empty dishes.

Right, eating. That’s what you came here for. Not really to hang out, just to bug each other into being at least slightly functional, which is sickenly pale and would be the sort of cute cheesy trope you’d gush over quietly in the faint glow of your husktop late at night, but… this is with Strider, a human who, again, you barely know. 

Welp! Time to awkwardly part ways and then never talk for the remaining three years. 

…

Neither of you move. You’re staring into your empty bowl, as if the flaked grub bits stuck to the bottom hold the answers to all of paradox space. You assume Strider is also focusing his gaze somewhere tensely trying to figure out what to say.

“So-” you begin, because fuck this silence, at the same time Strider starts to say, “Hey, I-”

“You first,” you blurt, because you weren’t even sure what you were going to say.

“Uh, okay.” He’s idly drumming his fingers against the table as he talks. “I was gonna ask if you wanted to visit Can Town sometime? I don’t think you’ve seen it yet, since you’ve been… away.”

“Uh, sure?” You’re mostly confused. But, guess you’re going with it now since you just verbally agreed, thus sealing your fate. “What’s ‘Can Town?’”

“Oh man, you have no idea how cool Can Town is. Or, well,” a smile crosses his face again, and he doesn’t do much to hide it. “Can Town is pretty cool, it’s sorta fun on its own I guess, but mostly the best thing about it is the Mayor.”

Now you’re really confused. “The carapacian that showed up out of nowhere with a hole in his chest?”

“Hell yeah. He is, I guarantee you, 100% the coolest motherfucker alive.” Strider seems completely serious. You're not sure how to react. That's okay, because apparently he isn't done. “Talking to him is an experience. He just _gets_ shit, you know? And helping him with Can Town is surprisingly relaxing. Very chill vibes. You should really visit soon.”

“Uh. Okay. I'll visit Can Town,” you say, with the confidence of a man agreeing to yet another social obligation after holing himself away for a solid week of depression and self-loathing and who isn't completely sure he can handle seeing people all that much at this point. 

“It doesn't have to be like, soon or anything. Just whenever you're free.”

Oh thank god. This was… kind of nice, admittedly, but you need some space or at least to hang out with some people you already know well and are comfortable with. 

“So, what were you going to say?” he asks, because when he first tried to bring that up you interrupted each other and you were just trying to break the deafening silence but like fuck you're going to admit that. 

“Uh. I forgot.” Very eloquent. 

“Ah. That's chill,” he says, standing up and doing a few small stretches. “So, I'll see you around?”

You sigh. “Yeah, I'll be around. No more impromptu weeks of isolation from me. And I'll see you in Can Town, I guess.”

Dave smiles yet again, but this one is quickly hidden. Can Town must actually be really important to him. That's… interesting. You don't know what to make of it. You have nothing to go off right now and you're honestly not sure what to expect.

Fuck it. You give him a small smile too. “Thanks again. For not minding your own goddamn business and then peer pressuring me to eat.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, thanks for the peer pressure too.” 

After reaching the transportalizer, you go your separate ways. And you're left with your thoughts.

Dave is nice to you. He’s kind of an awkward dick about it, but he’s actually tried to reach out and make sure you’re not alone. That’s incredibly surprising, given your previous interactions. Though, to be fair, you were kind of a colossal piece of shit to everyone you talked to at that point, running on one (1) hour of sleep for the better part of a week, and when you did get that one nap it was only to be immediately murdered by who you thought was a close friend and then left in a void of terrifying tentacle gods. What were you saying? Right, you were a dick during the game. You guess it’s also fair to assume that not everyone else was operating with complete patience and emotional intelligence at the time as well, given the situation you were all in. But it turns out, when things calm down a little and you talk to Dave one on one, none of the games stressful bullshit getting in the way, you get along alright. He doesn’t seem too put off by you still being kind of a dick, this time just because you refuse to be completely vulnerable if he insists on trying to help you in his own douchey way. And you’re not entirely put off by his patented Cool Kid Aloofness™, at least not as much as at first, and he’s toned it back a great deal recently too. 

Well. You guess you’ll figure more of this out when you actually make it to the fabled “Can Town” and hang out with Dave more. God, that is weird. That you’re willingly setting aside time to spend with him and not completely dreading it. It might take you a bit to get used to this, but you don’t hate it.

\------------------

==> Dave: Be left with your thoughts.

Okay, we are not doing the entering commands thing or any self-aware narration outside this one line to establish that that’s not going to be a thing. It was a pretty adequate transition, though.

You’re on your way back from meeting with Karkat to make each other eat, and you’re reflecting a bit on what you know about him. Back when you were playing the game more actively, you thought he was a complete asshole and kind of an arrogant tool. To be fair, he was acting like a huge asshole and kind of an arrogant tool. But you guess you were too, in a different way. A much chiller, laid back kind of way. At the time you just were not going to deal with some random shouty alien who instantly hated you and obviously had some sort of inferiority complex he needed to work through. Turns out though, he’s less of a dick than you initially thought. You had a lot on your plate. You were busy dealing with a slightly nicer but also slightly more homicidal alien, completely reliant on her guidance and whims if you didn’t want to see your own corpses start piling up since she could help you finish every stable time loop. Though there was also that one time she purposely killed one of you to make a point. You’re not sure you ever had time to fully process that one still. But yeah, you were preoccupied trying to contain all of your cool while going through that kind of hellscape, so you were kind of quick to rag on the guy since he already seemed set on antagonizing you.

Anyway. It’s still pretty bad, Karkat with his grouchiness. He clings to his insults like his life depends on it, god forbid the guy says anything completely genuine and well-meaning. It’s either an attack or disguised as an attack, but, well. You guess you can relate more than you thought before. You tend to do the same thing with humor. What? An unguarded emotion? Out in the open for everyone to lay eyes on? Nah, gotta wrap that up in ten layers of irony and a few shitty references for good measure. No one is gonna catch a single feeling of yours unguarded. 

That’s pretty tiring actually. But what else can you do?

When you make it back to your room, you immediately flop onto the alchemized mattress and stare at the ceiling. You find yourself looking forward to showing Karkat Can Town. You’re not completely sure how to feel about that.


	5. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello again!!! ah!  
> okay so Important Note !! I went back and edited some chapter so there's some stuff that was changed or added in,, I added it all a while ago where I wrote the fic originally and just replaced all the chapters w the new ones now so i don't 100% remember what changed but I think I added more depression ramblings to chapter one, and I made Dave a little more character imo in ch 2 and changed a kanaya line, no idea if I changed anything in ch 3, and in ch 4 I added in a bit where Dave asks Karkat to show him some of his favorite songs while they eat and it is kinda soft.
> 
> anyway! this chapter has a panic attack and references to past abuse so warning for that ,

It’s about another week later when Karkat asks about Can Town. He hasn’t been super social or anything, but you know he’s been around. He’s mostly spent time with Kanaya and Terezi since he seems closest to them, though you’ve run into him a couple times yourself, only in passing. You’d say hi, maybe ask how it’s going, then each of you would be on your way again like nothing happened. It’s a little awkward, but not hostile like you maybe would’ve expected before meeting him in person.

Anyway, he messages you in the middle of the night about it, which is pretty weird, but you weren’t asleep anyway. You say night, but you just mean whatever sleeping period the inhabitants of this rock agreed upon. You all attempt to have some sort of sleep schedule even if it doesn’t really matter. It helps keep you all on the same page, at least to some extent. It’s the equivalent of this meteor’s 2:43 am when he messages you. You don’t need to check the time to know this.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

CG: HEY.

CG: DO YOU WANT TO DO THE CAN TOWN THING SOON?

CG: WHENEVER’S EASIEST FOR YOU, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. JUST THOUGHT I’D ASK ABOUT IT.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING, YOU’RE PROBABLY ASLEEP.

CG: UGH. SORRY. 

TG: not asleep 

CG: OH SHIT DID I WAKE YOU UP

TG: nah

TG: ive been awake

TG: but hell yeah can town you have got to come check it out

TG: any time is probably good, the mayor is always pretty excited to show people what we’ve been working on

TG: and it’s not like im ever doing anything super important

CG: RIGHT.

CG: SO WHAT EXACTLY AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO HERE?

CG: I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTEXT FOR WHAT CAN TOWN IS BESIDES THE NAME.

TG: and that’s all you need

TG: it’s a town, it’s made of cans

TG: the citizens are cans too

TG: ok that part is kinda confusing but we don’t dwell on it

CG: HOLY FUCK. YEAH THAT IS EXTREMELY DISCONCERTING.

TG: haha yeah could you imagine

TG: just houses made out of flesh and blood

TG: the furniture is just different organs

CG: OKAY NO WE’RE NOT GOING TO GIVE THAT ANY MORE DESCRIPTION, THIS TANGENT IS BEING OFFICIALLY SHUT DOWN BEFORE IT BEGINS.

TG: yeah that’s fair

TG: idek where i was going with that it was probably just gonna be really needlessly gross

TG: for the comedies

TG: the chuckles

CG: AND WHO WOULD BE CHUCKLING?

TG: probably no one tbh that wasn’t it

TG: soooo can town

TG: soon

TG: you’ll finally see what all the hype is about

CG: YEAH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT. MY INSIDES ARE JUST SCREAMING WITH ANTICIPATION, I AM CURRENTLY RELEASING THE UNHOLY SHRIEKS OF ONE THOUSAND DOOMED KARKATS INTO THIS CUSHION TO DISTRACT MY CORPOREAL BODY FROM THE OVERWHELMING PHYSICAL SADNESS THAT COMES FROM NOT HAVING HAD EXPERIENCED CAN TOWN YET.

TG: damn

CG: THE SCREAMS COME TO AN END. I’VE EXERTED THE LAST OUNCES OF ENERGY I WILL EVER RETAIN. I AM LEFT LIKE THIS TO DIE. HOLLOW, ALONE, CAN TOWN-LESS. IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME. 

TG: whoa what

TG: damn i cant believe karkat fucking died

TG: another soul tragically lost 

TG: cause of death: insufficient can town experiences, sadness

TG: but yeah you don’t actually have to wait

CG: WHAT?

TG: i mean if you want we could just go now

TG: unless you were gonna sleep

TG: if so, i 1000% recommend, please go do that instead

CG: I DON’T THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

TG: yeah i kinda figured when you messaged me at three in the morning asking about can town

TG: that like. sleep is not likely to be on the list of things that will get done in the near future for either of us

CG: YOU TOO?

TG: yeah

CG: UH.

CG: DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

TG: not really

TG: do you

CG: NO.

TG: cool

TG: so are we doing this?

CG: NOW?

TG: yeah if you want to

CG: OKAY, SURE.

TG: rad okay, meet me in the common room in like ten minutes, i can walk you there

You take five of those ten minutes to fuss over yourself in the mirror, fixing your hair and smoothing out your clothes a bit, brushing your teeth at warpspeed. You really aren't sure why you're this nervous, but weirdly it's like a positive nervous? Excitement? Yeah that seems like the right word, and now you understand even less why your heart picks up when you think about meeting Karkat in the dark halls and walking to Can Town together. Huh. Maybe you're just sleep deprived is what you finally decide. Yeah, that's definitely it. 

Another five minutes later has you in the common room, eyeing the transportalizer and awaiting Karkat’s arrival. Two minutes and fifty-three seconds pass before it whirs to life and he steps off the platform. 

“Hey Karks,” you say, voice heavy with exhaustion. 

“Hey,” he responds, equally tired sounding. 

You hold your fist out for a bump and he looks at you like you grew a second head. You grab his wrist and curl his fingers into a fist then guide his knuckles against yours. “Fist bump,” you say plainly. You can't really tell in the dark but his face looks slightly flushed, a light red tint to his cheeks, as he pulls his hand back. 

“This is idiotic.”

“Nah, fist bumps are hella cool,” you explain like fact. 

Karkat scoffs and rolls his eyes at you. “I disagree, but okay. Now where the fuck is this fabled ‘Can Town’ supposed to be?”

“Follow me,” you say with a cheesy amount of cheerfulness because why not play it up. You throw in an exaggerated ‘follow me’ gesture as you go through the transportalizer he just appeared from. He follows shortly after, and you start walking the path you know by heart, Karkat close behind. 

Eventually, you get tired of walking normally and float a few inches off the ground so you can glide alongside Karkat. He immediately lets out an annoyed huff of air. 

“Do you seriously have to show off your oh-so-awesome god tier powers to do something as mundane as walk to Can Town?” He crosses his arms and glares at you. You can’t help but think it’s kind of cute. Objectively. You don’t think Karkat’s cute.

“What do you mean? Walking’s boring. If you wanna try floating around like this I could carry you.”

“No! I just find it fucking annoying. You don’t have to lorde your new power over one of the few lowly mortals that somehow weaseled himself into surviving this long.” He’s still glaring, but not at you. His gaze is focused straight ahead as he marches stubbornly, arms still crossed.

You frown and drift back down two inches so your feet reach the floor and walk normally. “Sorry, dude. Didn’t realize that bothered you so much.”

Karkat sighs. “Yeah, it’s whatever. Sorry for being a dick about it.”

Huh. Is that the first time he’s apologized to you for something? Not that you ever really gave a shit, nothing he’s done has like. Actually bothered you enough to warrant an apology but it’s somehow sweet coming from him. “It’s no problem.”

The walk continues in relative silence, besides your barely audible footsteps and Karkat’s firm and deliberate steps at a much higher volume. 

When you finally reach your destination, transportalizing into the dim room that has become Can Town, you scan the metal city for any sign of the mayor. He’s probably getting some snoozes right now, as he should. Seeing no mayor, you shrug to yourself and spin around to face Karkat.  
  
“Welcome… to Can Town,” you say, gesturing towards the can buildings and chalk drawings that have overtaken the room.  
  
You notice Karkat’s eyes darting around curiously. He doesn’t say anything, but he steps forward and walks around the room, taking in the weeks worth of scenery enhancements and city planning. 

“This is actually sort of impressive,” he says, surprised.

You scoff. “Did you think it was gonna suck? That hurts, dude. Not believing in my ability to create a town of cans is understandable. It stings, but I get it. But doubting the mayor… Karkat, you have some apologizing to do,” you finish with a solemn nod.

Karkat just rolls his eyes at you and continues carefully stepping around cans and chalk lines. After a moment, he speaks up again. “Every town needs a library. Why isn’t there one?”

“I dunno, just haven’t gotten around to it yet.” You’re about to float over to him to avoid messing up any cans, but you decide to just take the care to step around them since Karkat seemed annoyed at your gliding earlier. It’s a little hard to see in the darkness of the room, but you take your time and manage. Once you reach his side of the town, you continue, “Do you wanna make one? It could be your first project.”

He seems to consider this for a moment. He’s smiling slightly when he finally nods, “Yeah sure, that sounds nice. The mayor won’t mind?”

“Nah, he’ll be really excited to see what you make, guarantee it.” You make your way out of the town to the far wall where the extra can supply is stacked. “Just don’t change anything that’s already there without consulting him and everything should be chill.” You start captchaloging cans to prepare for the new library. Karkat isn’t saying anything else and you can’t really make out what he’s up to on the other side of the room. 

Only one dim light is currently tasked with lighting the whole room currently, since the mayor is off duty and you hadn’t bothered to turn on any more lights. That wouldn’t be too much of an issue, but you also refused to take off your shades. That also itself was also not a problem, but on your way to Karkat with an inventory full of cans, you fail to notice a stray can in your path. You stumble over it, stepping quickly to regain your balance, and end up pushing over the can lighthouse tower right outside the main town, causing several more cans to clatter to the ground. Loud metal clattering pierces through the silent room. 

You’re running. You don’t know what just happened but your instant response is to get the hell away, so you sprint until you trip again and then you collapse. You’re gripping something so tight you feel like the skin of your knuckles is going to rip from the pressure. It’s a sword. You took it out at some point. You focus on your grip and darkness surrounding you, preparing for any sudden strike. You’re straining your ears to listen for incoming attacks but you can’t hear anything over the sound of your own breathing. Why is it so loud? And why is it so dark? Bro’s done surprise strifes in the middle of the night before, but that doesn’t seem right. You’re not in your apartment. You need to get it together and figure out where the fuck you are and what the hell is happening around you before一

A few more lights turn on.

You’re breathing heavily still, eyes now trained on the floor as you squint in response to the change in brightness.

“—Dave, can you hear me?”

Karkat’s been saying your name for a while it seems. When you look up again, he has his hands up like he wants to reach out but is hesitating for whatever reason. Right, you're here with Karkat. Safe. You gasp some more and try to swallow it down, glancing up at the troll. Karkat seems to notice the slight inclination of your head in his direction, because he continues. 

“Everything's okay.” That's a weird thing to say. “You're on this stupid fucking meteor, in Can Town,” right, Can Town, “it the middle of the goddamn night for some reason because I guess you couldn't wait to show me.” It's true. You had been pretty excited. Your breathing starts to slow down. “Dave, can you do me a favor?” he asks softly. 

You grunt in acknowledgment, not trusting your own voice. 

“Tell me five things you can see right now.”

Oh. He's trying to help you calm down because you're sort of having a meltdown you guess. You'd be embarrassed if you didn't still have a few twinges of terror coiling in your gut. He's trying to help ground you. You swallow again, trying to keep your voice even. It still comes out shaky. “Cans,” you start with an obvious one. “You. Floor.” You glance around the room, breaths evening out slowly. “Chalk.”

“Okay, good. One more thing.” Why's he being so patient suddenly? 

“Y-your shitty handwriting,” is what you settle on, looking over to where Karkat labelled a few new roads while you were busy getting cans. Looks like he was extending the town a bit so the library would have room.

He chokes on a laugh. Sounds relieved. “Okay, good. Asshole. Now four things you can feel.” 

“Cold,” is your first thought. He frowns slightly. “Uh. Wet face? I was crying I guess. Shit, sorry.”

Karkat sits with his legs beneath him instead of standing and leaning down like he was before. “Don't apologize, what the hell. You're allowed to cry.” 

That's kind of a weird thing to reassure you about, but you do appreciate it. 

“Go on,” he prompts. 

“Shades on my face.” You take a moment to wipe your eyes beneath them. “The floor, again, part two the sequel.”

Karkat rolls his eyes, smiling slightly. “Okay, three things you can hear.”

“Your voice.” It's a nice voice. Especially when it's soft like this. He's being really gentle. “My voice.” Yours is still more strained and shaky, but you are a lot calmer than a few minutes ago. “Air conditioning or whatever the fuck that is.”

Karkat nods in understanding. “Alright, you're doing great. Two things you can smell. Or your two favorite smells if you can't smell right now.”

“M-metal.” You hate the smell of metal. It reminds you of swords and sweat and blood. The taste of blood and the clang of metal. The heat of the rooftop and burning sting of metal that's been left in the sun. You can almost feel it on your skin. 

You guess that made you zone out again because Karkat’s saying your name. 

“Sorry. Uh. Apples. As a favorite smell, I mean,” you clarify. 

He scoots a little closer to you, looking concerned. “One thing you can taste.”

That's kinda easy. “Toothpaste.” You brushed your teeth while feverishly getting ready earlier, worried about your breath. You normally forget to at night which grosses you out. 

Karkat nods again. Then, “Is it okay to hug you?” 

That kinda came out of nowhere but, “Sure—”

He's hugging you as soon as you get that out. Gently. His arms are warm, _he’s_ warm and it's really nice. You lean into it a bit and bring your arms up to rest on his back in return. You take a deep breath. You can't quite describe it, but he smells nice. It's comforting. You think that's probably a really weird thing to think but then tell your brain to shut up because this is a nice hug and you can probably count the number of times you've been hugged on both your hands. “Thank you,” you all but croak out. 

“No problem.” You can feel his voice reverberate throughout him from where he's pressed against you, still hugging you. 

You’re the first to pull back from the hug. Then you just stand there, stiff and awkward and unsure what to do, feeling completely vulnerable suddenly.

“Maybe we should come back to Can Town another time,” You blurt out. “Talk to you later.” You give a slight wave to Karkat who looks like he’s about to say something but you’re already transportalizing away before he can get it out.


End file.
